Erin from Motherhood Y'all commented on this post that i had " writing talent " when it came to poetry. It was a nice compliment to receive and it got me thinking about all the poetry i have written in the past. A select few poems have been published ( but only in those Readers Digest anthologys that no-one actually reads... ) but most of my writing was for my eyes only. Back in high school and early adulthood, when i was all bleak and depressed, and back before my blog, poetry was my way of getting thoughts and feelings off my chest and out of my head. My poetry was borne out of pain, loneliness and a dark, dark place. Even so, after the comment on my so-called talent, i felt the need to go back and read some of what i had written. For example ( and for more examples, try searching " Amy Louise Wells " at http://www.poetry.com/ ):
Sonnet
Like holy Mother Mary meek and mild
I'm but a supporting player in this scene.
Why do you treat me like a lowly child?
As if my hopes are nothing but a dream.
Each night at rest my heavy eyes I close
And sleep does visions of my future hold.
And in sleep I am depicted as a rose,
A character both beautiful and bold.
But upon waking I am just a thorn.
At least thats how you often make me feel.
Perhaps I was just better off unborn
Then all of this for us would be unreal.
And so in theses last words I tell it true:
In fact I'm better off not here with you.
Reading it over, i immediately remembered what kind of headspace i was in when i wrote it. I still feel an attachment to every line i've written, even if so much of it DOESN'T relate to my life anymore. There are poems from days i felt abandoned; days i felt angry; days when, living overseas, i felt homesick. There is nothing written out of happiness. I'd never felt the pull of poetry when I was happy. Til now. Til that post last week, when i wrote a poem about my son. Its strange that, of all the thoughts and feelings that this little man has inspired in me, that he should bring me back to poetry, which was always a refuge in a dark place.
Perhaps that means that dark place may have finally seen some light.....
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Why Hello There, Little, Old, Me.....
Welcome to Challenge 34 over at Blog This!. The challenge topic this time is:
If you met your younger self - What would you tell yourself? Would you give advice? What advice would that be? Ask about your perception of the world? Give us an idea of who you think you were or who you think you'll be in the future...
( Note, i have done a post similar in topic to this back in 2007, but in the past two years i've learnt so much more! So this challenge post is a completely new and different post to the old one.... )
If i were able to travel back in time, Marty McFly style, and have a bit of a deep and meaningful with my younger self, i think there would have to be three key bits of advice i'd have to impart to teenage me:
Number one: DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR NEGATIVE SELF-VOICE. Seriously, thats in capital letters for a reason, 'cause its pretty damn important. You miss out on so much fun and adventure because you listen so attentively to your worst critic - you. Thats right, its nobody else saying it but you. Its entirely in your head, and in your head is where you'll be spending most of your formative years if you dont tell your inner critic to back the fork off, okay? Turn it off, tune it out and instead of backing out of things when they get a little scary, run into them head first and see which parts hit and which parts glance right off without so much as a scratch.
Number two: Save more money. How very pedestrian of me to advise you, but yea - save more money. You start working at the age of 14 which means you've literally earned hundreds of thousands of dollars, but now at 26 its nowhere to be found. I'm not saying you have to turn all Scrooge on me and not spend a single cent - i'm just saying maybe dont waste so much of it on crap. CD's are great and all ( although you could have done without East 17's " Walthamstow " or Ricky Martins self titled release... ) and its great having a different top to wear for every day of the month, but all that money frittered away on junk could have had you paying off more of your house or got you overseas sooner, and more often. Future-You loves to travel, but you wont get to do all that much of it ( a year sent living overseas and one short trip to SE Asia ) before your first child arrives because Young-You didnt save, save, save!
Lastly, Number three: Pay more attention at your Year 12 formal. Particularly to a young man that comes as a guest of one of your classmates. His name is Mick and you will meet him 8 years into the future, fall madly in love, get engaged and have a gorgeous baby boy. When you meet, you have no idea you were both at that same function all those years ago, and find it amusing that the universe sees fit to bring you back together after that first faint brush with fate. If you had both only known, you could have been together so much sooner, and both of your lives would have been completely different!
Also, rethink the velvet dress- right cut, right colour, wroooooooong fabric.......
If you met your younger self - What would you tell yourself? Would you give advice? What advice would that be? Ask about your perception of the world? Give us an idea of who you think you were or who you think you'll be in the future...
( Note, i have done a post similar in topic to this back in 2007, but in the past two years i've learnt so much more! So this challenge post is a completely new and different post to the old one.... )
If i were able to travel back in time, Marty McFly style, and have a bit of a deep and meaningful with my younger self, i think there would have to be three key bits of advice i'd have to impart to teenage me:
Number one: DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR NEGATIVE SELF-VOICE. Seriously, thats in capital letters for a reason, 'cause its pretty damn important. You miss out on so much fun and adventure because you listen so attentively to your worst critic - you. Thats right, its nobody else saying it but you. Its entirely in your head, and in your head is where you'll be spending most of your formative years if you dont tell your inner critic to back the fork off, okay? Turn it off, tune it out and instead of backing out of things when they get a little scary, run into them head first and see which parts hit and which parts glance right off without so much as a scratch.
Number two: Save more money. How very pedestrian of me to advise you, but yea - save more money. You start working at the age of 14 which means you've literally earned hundreds of thousands of dollars, but now at 26 its nowhere to be found. I'm not saying you have to turn all Scrooge on me and not spend a single cent - i'm just saying maybe dont waste so much of it on crap. CD's are great and all ( although you could have done without East 17's " Walthamstow " or Ricky Martins self titled release... ) and its great having a different top to wear for every day of the month, but all that money frittered away on junk could have had you paying off more of your house or got you overseas sooner, and more often. Future-You loves to travel, but you wont get to do all that much of it ( a year sent living overseas and one short trip to SE Asia ) before your first child arrives because Young-You didnt save, save, save!
Lastly, Number three: Pay more attention at your Year 12 formal. Particularly to a young man that comes as a guest of one of your classmates. His name is Mick and you will meet him 8 years into the future, fall madly in love, get engaged and have a gorgeous baby boy. When you meet, you have no idea you were both at that same function all those years ago, and find it amusing that the universe sees fit to bring you back together after that first faint brush with fate. If you had both only known, you could have been together so much sooner, and both of your lives would have been completely different!
Also, rethink the velvet dress- right cut, right colour, wroooooooong fabric.......
Dearest me
So i have been tagged, by the lovely Miss Gates, and challenged to write a post - a letter addressed to my 13 year old self. It wont be pretty, but here goes:
Dearest 13 year old Me,
Your going to have to read this very carefully, and take all my advice to heart. I know you really dislike being told what to do - you do, after all, have a mind of your own - but if you dont pay attention that independent mind that you value so dearly will turn itself in on you to the point of wanting to die. THis is no exaggeration.
Firstly, your English teacher Miss Martin, is not an uppity bitch. She appears that way because this is her first proper teaching gig so she is nervous, by the end of Yr 8, you will both have a mutual admiration for each other. She will make you think Shakespeare is cool and encourage you to write, and you will realise that the only reason it appeared that she was picking on you was because she was trying to challenge what she recognised as a feirce intellect.
Secondly, be nicer to your mother. I know you are like chalk and cheese and sometimes you feel like you hate her - HATE her - but you know what? You dont. You hate you, you just dont realise it yet. Sure, she gets on your nerves because you are really as different as two people can be but she's trying to help you, to be there for you, to be the best mother she can be, in her own weird way. So cut her some slack, ok ?
Here's the important paragraph, so pay attention. I'm going to spell this out in big capital letters, because you need for this to sink in: NOBODY IS THINKING THAT ABOUT YOU. Thats right - nody is thinking you are any of the following - too smart; too fat; not pretty enough; not cool enough; uninteresting; unfriendly; retarded, lame, disgusting, hideous or anything other crap you can come up with in that over-active brain of yours. If you keep thinking, and believing, those things you're going to do your head in. You will wind up living inside your own thoughts and you will miss what are supposed to be the best years of your life. So if you want to have a boyfriend soemtime during high school, to be invited to all the " cool " parties, to be able to shar secrets with your girlfriends without fear of being ridiculed stop believing your own, made up press and begin putting yourself out there. You will most probably suffer embarrassments at some point, but you will thank me for it later.
What else ? You're going to go on a school excursion later this year. When you are crying by the pool and Ryan asks why and he sits next to and tries to have a conversation, do not shy away. You think he's cool, make sure he knows it.
Dont stop playing netball. You'll miss it when your 23 and too old and out of shape to get back into it.
By the end of Year 12, tell Casey to pull her finger out and stop being such bitch. You know she is, everyone else knows it, someone needs to let her in on the secret. Also, when you walk out of Mr Hanson's dont just walk out while he's stalked off down to the staff room. Wait til he comes back and proceed to tell him what a c**t he is - THEN walk out.
Try to get overseas sooner. Super Cheap was a nice place to work but you cam alive when you were living away. Keep going to counselling and stay on the anti-depressants to work through your shit than leave as soon is financially possible.
And i thats all i can think of right now. Aside from being good to your family - believe me, you will learn to appreciate them - and keeping up a positive mindset, i dont want to burden you with too much. I want you to use that independent thinking of yours ( i am still you after all, i'd die without my own free will ), i still want you to make your own minor mistakes. Just trust me on the big stuff i've mentioned, yea?
Your ever-loving, slightly-screwed-up, pseudo-hippie 23 year old self.
Dearest 13 year old Me,
Your going to have to read this very carefully, and take all my advice to heart. I know you really dislike being told what to do - you do, after all, have a mind of your own - but if you dont pay attention that independent mind that you value so dearly will turn itself in on you to the point of wanting to die. THis is no exaggeration.
Firstly, your English teacher Miss Martin, is not an uppity bitch. She appears that way because this is her first proper teaching gig so she is nervous, by the end of Yr 8, you will both have a mutual admiration for each other. She will make you think Shakespeare is cool and encourage you to write, and you will realise that the only reason it appeared that she was picking on you was because she was trying to challenge what she recognised as a feirce intellect.
Secondly, be nicer to your mother. I know you are like chalk and cheese and sometimes you feel like you hate her - HATE her - but you know what? You dont. You hate you, you just dont realise it yet. Sure, she gets on your nerves because you are really as different as two people can be but she's trying to help you, to be there for you, to be the best mother she can be, in her own weird way. So cut her some slack, ok ?
Here's the important paragraph, so pay attention. I'm going to spell this out in big capital letters, because you need for this to sink in: NOBODY IS THINKING THAT ABOUT YOU. Thats right - nody is thinking you are any of the following - too smart; too fat; not pretty enough; not cool enough; uninteresting; unfriendly; retarded, lame, disgusting, hideous or anything other crap you can come up with in that over-active brain of yours. If you keep thinking, and believing, those things you're going to do your head in. You will wind up living inside your own thoughts and you will miss what are supposed to be the best years of your life. So if you want to have a boyfriend soemtime during high school, to be invited to all the " cool " parties, to be able to shar secrets with your girlfriends without fear of being ridiculed stop believing your own, made up press and begin putting yourself out there. You will most probably suffer embarrassments at some point, but you will thank me for it later.
What else ? You're going to go on a school excursion later this year. When you are crying by the pool and Ryan asks why and he sits next to and tries to have a conversation, do not shy away. You think he's cool, make sure he knows it.
Dont stop playing netball. You'll miss it when your 23 and too old and out of shape to get back into it.
By the end of Year 12, tell Casey to pull her finger out and stop being such bitch. You know she is, everyone else knows it, someone needs to let her in on the secret. Also, when you walk out of Mr Hanson's dont just walk out while he's stalked off down to the staff room. Wait til he comes back and proceed to tell him what a c**t he is - THEN walk out.
Try to get overseas sooner. Super Cheap was a nice place to work but you cam alive when you were living away. Keep going to counselling and stay on the anti-depressants to work through your shit than leave as soon is financially possible.
And i thats all i can think of right now. Aside from being good to your family - believe me, you will learn to appreciate them - and keeping up a positive mindset, i dont want to burden you with too much. I want you to use that independent thinking of yours ( i am still you after all, i'd die without my own free will ), i still want you to make your own minor mistakes. Just trust me on the big stuff i've mentioned, yea?
Your ever-loving, slightly-screwed-up, pseudo-hippie 23 year old self.
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