So, guess what i did today ? I ran on the treadmill at the gym. RAN. Yes, me - i ran. The last time i've ran anywhere for anything was so i didnt miss the last train back to New Jersey after a John Butler Trio concert in New York City. In heels mind you, but i digress.
I have steadily been improving my fitness over the past 8 weeks or so to the point where i was getting kind of bored with a fast walk on the treadmill. Admittedly, i like the bike and the rower more ( i'm even getting callouses on my hands from the handles on the rowing machine... yay! ) but i thought maybe i could liven up the treadmill section of the workout. Why not jog a bit?
Bare in mind that i had the " why not jog a bit ? " thought about two weeks ago, but couldnt bring myself to do it until today. After having had the initial thought the rest of my self-conversation went like this :
Me#1: " You cant jog - you arent fit enough for that. What if you keel over and die, wearing tracksuits pants and a Cookie Monster t-shirt ? "
Me #2: " I dont think i'll keel over, but maybe i'm not fit enough yet".
Me #1: " Of course you arent fit enough yet. Plus, you'll look ridiculous running. Everyone else at the gym is giong to look at you and all you're wobbly bits jiggling around as you jog. "
Me#2 : " I dont have wobbly bits! Do I ? "
Me#1 : " I hate to tell you sister but... mm hmm. For the love of God, dont do it! "
So that was two weeks ago. I listened to Me #1 then but today, well, Me #2 said " Screw it! There arent many other people here anyway so just push yourself a bit and see what you can do! ". So i sucked it up, and thats what i did. I only did it in intervals - one minute jogging with two minutes walking in between - and only for 10 minutes, but the point is i did it. And, even better, i'll do it again.
Congratulations me! As one of my teenaged friends would say - i took a cup of cement and hardened the fuck up!
Showing posts with label conversations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conversations. Show all posts
Is it okay for me to be annoyed?
Is it okay for me to be annoyed at someone because of their faux participation in a conversation ? Let me explain.
I am starved for intellectual stimulation. In fact, the most intellecual challenge i get is from reading everyone else's blogs and being able to give my opinion. I have very little in the way of intelligent conversation, discussion or argument in my real, off-line life. Most of what i do get is from my father, usually when we have both read of, or heard about, a specific social or ethical issue. I enjoy debating against him, even though he frusturates me with his stubborness sometimes. Quite often our discussions will start at the dinner table on a Sunday night and my mother will interject every so often, but mostly she is intent to listen because i dont think she necessarily see's herself as smart enough to participate. This, depending on the subject at hand, may or may not be true. It is my sister, however, who has succeeded in pissing me off. Following on from an article in the paper about a couple who are going to sue their IVF doctors because the doctors missed a cancer gene in the child, my father and begun discussing the idea of genetically engineering children to reject such genes, the pre-birth screening for conditions such as cystic fibrosis, and the subsequent decision to abort a child if they were found to be carrying such a gene or condition. We were each pushing ouor agenda and, admittedy, beginning to argue the pedantics of each scenario. My sister then comes up with this : " There is no way i could raise a retarded kid ". Full stop. My mother said she could hardly make such a statement without being faced with the prospect and she replied " No, i couldnt. I wouldnt raise a retarded kid and you cant tell me i'm wrong because thats my opinion ". Full stop, arms folded across chest, obnoxious puckered arse look on her face. Well, thats just not right. Firstly, your cant just throw out something like that without having something on which you have based your opinion, and secondly you cant expect the other participants to call you out on it.
So i told her that was a stupid thing to say. No, make that immature and, if she really did feel that way, callous aswell and before i could launch into anything more substantial my mum pulls me up - " Amy, stop please ". What ? " No, thats enough ". And that, in turn, was enough to piss me off. How can my sister expect to be treated like an adult if she's going to say things like that ? If she wants to take part in an intellectual, adult conversation than she should be willing give reason, justification, for what she has said. But instead i am forced to stop the conversation i am having, that i am enjoying, the only mentally stimulating conversation i will probably have all week, because i may offend or upset her. That, my friends, is bullshit.
And so, i have come to this - I am tired of being smarter than most people i know. And i know that probably sounds extremely pompous and completelyself-absorbed, but its true. I love my friends and my family to death, but of all the people i know it would appear that i am the most intellectually intelligent, ethically concious and socially aware. When i get together with my friends we talk about other people we know; about movies; about what insane Britney Spears has done this week; about how skanky Paris Hilton is; about our work and relationships ( or lack thereof ). We do not discuss abortion; genetic engineering; hypocrisy in the Catholic church; racism in sport; who we think will win the US election or how to solve the war in the Middle East. The majority of my friends to not appear to give a fuzzy rats about things like that or, at the very least, dont care to discuss them. It frusturates me. On Friday night i went round to a mates place to hang with some rugby girls i hadnt seen in a while. Dont get me wrong, it was good to see them, to have them run at me and squash me against a brick wall because thats our " thing ", but after an hour i had to leave because all i had to entertain me was people drinking and taking photos of their arses. It didnt do much for me to be honest.
And thats why i'm asking - is it okay for me to be annoyed about this ? Is it okay for me to be tired of being the only one who seems to care about the world around them ? Or should i just stick my head in the sand or, even better, up my arse?
I am starved for intellectual stimulation. In fact, the most intellecual challenge i get is from reading everyone else's blogs and being able to give my opinion. I have very little in the way of intelligent conversation, discussion or argument in my real, off-line life. Most of what i do get is from my father, usually when we have both read of, or heard about, a specific social or ethical issue. I enjoy debating against him, even though he frusturates me with his stubborness sometimes. Quite often our discussions will start at the dinner table on a Sunday night and my mother will interject every so often, but mostly she is intent to listen because i dont think she necessarily see's herself as smart enough to participate. This, depending on the subject at hand, may or may not be true. It is my sister, however, who has succeeded in pissing me off. Following on from an article in the paper about a couple who are going to sue their IVF doctors because the doctors missed a cancer gene in the child, my father and begun discussing the idea of genetically engineering children to reject such genes, the pre-birth screening for conditions such as cystic fibrosis, and the subsequent decision to abort a child if they were found to be carrying such a gene or condition. We were each pushing ouor agenda and, admittedy, beginning to argue the pedantics of each scenario. My sister then comes up with this : " There is no way i could raise a retarded kid ". Full stop. My mother said she could hardly make such a statement without being faced with the prospect and she replied " No, i couldnt. I wouldnt raise a retarded kid and you cant tell me i'm wrong because thats my opinion ". Full stop, arms folded across chest, obnoxious puckered arse look on her face. Well, thats just not right. Firstly, your cant just throw out something like that without having something on which you have based your opinion, and secondly you cant expect the other participants to call you out on it.
So i told her that was a stupid thing to say. No, make that immature and, if she really did feel that way, callous aswell and before i could launch into anything more substantial my mum pulls me up - " Amy, stop please ". What ? " No, thats enough ". And that, in turn, was enough to piss me off. How can my sister expect to be treated like an adult if she's going to say things like that ? If she wants to take part in an intellectual, adult conversation than she should be willing give reason, justification, for what she has said. But instead i am forced to stop the conversation i am having, that i am enjoying, the only mentally stimulating conversation i will probably have all week, because i may offend or upset her. That, my friends, is bullshit.
And so, i have come to this - I am tired of being smarter than most people i know. And i know that probably sounds extremely pompous and completelyself-absorbed, but its true. I love my friends and my family to death, but of all the people i know it would appear that i am the most intellectually intelligent, ethically concious and socially aware. When i get together with my friends we talk about other people we know; about movies; about what insane Britney Spears has done this week; about how skanky Paris Hilton is; about our work and relationships ( or lack thereof ). We do not discuss abortion; genetic engineering; hypocrisy in the Catholic church; racism in sport; who we think will win the US election or how to solve the war in the Middle East. The majority of my friends to not appear to give a fuzzy rats about things like that or, at the very least, dont care to discuss them. It frusturates me. On Friday night i went round to a mates place to hang with some rugby girls i hadnt seen in a while. Dont get me wrong, it was good to see them, to have them run at me and squash me against a brick wall because thats our " thing ", but after an hour i had to leave because all i had to entertain me was people drinking and taking photos of their arses. It didnt do much for me to be honest.
And thats why i'm asking - is it okay for me to be annoyed about this ? Is it okay for me to be tired of being the only one who seems to care about the world around them ? Or should i just stick my head in the sand or, even better, up my arse?
Late night conversations
I'm not talking about random pub conversations, or those deep and meaningfuls you have with your friends at 2am over a bottle of wine, i'm talking about those imagined conversations, the ones you have in your head when your trying to go to sleep. The ones you want to have with people; the ones you know you have to have; and the ones you wish you'd had, but you never had the chance and/or intestinal fortitude. I had three of these last night, alone in my bed, crying over this empty, lonely feeling that kept me from sleep.
Conversation #1: You are selfish. Both of you. Your as bad as each other, and the truely terrible thing is that neither of you see it or, at the very least, wont acknowledge it. I know crazy people dont like to be told that they're crazy but its the truth - you have a problem, and its really starting to grate on peoples nerves. I dont think there is one complimentary thing i can say to, or about, either of you. You wonder why i dont come to visit ? Why none of us do ? Because i cant stand the self absorption, the bickering, the criticism, the thinly veiled insults that you apparently make in jest. Five minutes in your company either bores me to tears or shits me no end. I end up leaving you feeling either a sort of sympathy at how utterly sad you have become, or completely enraged at something you have said, or failed to say. And i'm not alone - its everyone. All of us. Strand by strand you are slowly unravelling what little relationship we already had. And thats the thing - its not like you, or I , am throwing away something precious. You have never fostered a deep, loving relationship, so i dont know why all of a sudden your noses are out of joint. I'm grown now - i make my own decisions and have my own opinions. I am not influenced by any one other person, however much one of you in particular wants to point the finger. Neither is anybody else. Its not us; its you. Its you.
Conversation #2 : I want to say sorry. You know why ? Because i screwed up.I made a mistake and the only thing i am grateful for is that i DID make it, and that i live and learn from it. I didnt love you - i think i was in love with the notion of being in love with you, and the idea that maybe, just maybe, someone could possibly, potentially, be in love with me. And i confused those two things. You were ( hopefully still are ) a good friend, the best person i had come across in a long, long time. Its partially because of you that i have opened up so much - my life is much different now because of your subtle influence. You encouraged me to embrace other people, jump into the random conversations, to not be so pre-occupied with what others will think of me.I felt like we were mentally on par - i never had to dumb things down for you, and i never felt bad for speaking my mind or being intelligent and forthright. On the odd occasion i did feel slightly overwhelmed by your intellect, your frankness, your passion for the things you believed in, but never intimidated. You were, and are, entirely different from any man i have ever met. And i think i was in love with all that - the idea of what you were and not necessarily WHO you were. Or who you could be. I see now what you meant when you said you werent who i thought you were, although i'm still not so sure yours was an entirely fair assessment. That, however, is another conversation in and of itself. This one is intended for one purpose only - to say sorry. My sincerest apologies. I miss you.
Conversation #3: You really, really hurt me. And i pretended like you didnt. I didnt have to pretend, but i did, because it was easier to turn my back and make like it was all in the wind. Gone and forgotten, out of sight, out of mind. But i loved you, whole-heartedly, a deep unconditional love that small children have, unquestioningly. Apparently, you forgot that, you forgot me, and suddenly I had a whole tonne of questions and very few answers. The answers i did get were unreliable and unsatisfactory at best. So i turned the other cheek and took another path, one that was missing a great big chunk, or rather small chunks in significant places, little potholes on the road of adolescence. I would have liked you there for my birthdays; my grand finals; my graduations. For Christmases and Easters and random family barbecues. But you hurt me, hurt a few of us, but me most of all, even though i wouldnt admit to it, and you were mentally uninvited to these milestones. I'm here to tell you that you missed out. I'm a good person, i developed that way, and you missed it. You might be able to see it now, now that i've opened that window of opportunity a smidge, but you missed it in the process. At one time, you were almost my whole world, and now you have so much history to learn, evolutionary steps to make. But no matter how far we've come, how far yet to go, things will never be the same.
Conversation #1: You are selfish. Both of you. Your as bad as each other, and the truely terrible thing is that neither of you see it or, at the very least, wont acknowledge it. I know crazy people dont like to be told that they're crazy but its the truth - you have a problem, and its really starting to grate on peoples nerves. I dont think there is one complimentary thing i can say to, or about, either of you. You wonder why i dont come to visit ? Why none of us do ? Because i cant stand the self absorption, the bickering, the criticism, the thinly veiled insults that you apparently make in jest. Five minutes in your company either bores me to tears or shits me no end. I end up leaving you feeling either a sort of sympathy at how utterly sad you have become, or completely enraged at something you have said, or failed to say. And i'm not alone - its everyone. All of us. Strand by strand you are slowly unravelling what little relationship we already had. And thats the thing - its not like you, or I , am throwing away something precious. You have never fostered a deep, loving relationship, so i dont know why all of a sudden your noses are out of joint. I'm grown now - i make my own decisions and have my own opinions. I am not influenced by any one other person, however much one of you in particular wants to point the finger. Neither is anybody else. Its not us; its you. Its you.
Conversation #2 : I want to say sorry. You know why ? Because i screwed up.I made a mistake and the only thing i am grateful for is that i DID make it, and that i live and learn from it. I didnt love you - i think i was in love with the notion of being in love with you, and the idea that maybe, just maybe, someone could possibly, potentially, be in love with me. And i confused those two things. You were ( hopefully still are ) a good friend, the best person i had come across in a long, long time. Its partially because of you that i have opened up so much - my life is much different now because of your subtle influence. You encouraged me to embrace other people, jump into the random conversations, to not be so pre-occupied with what others will think of me.I felt like we were mentally on par - i never had to dumb things down for you, and i never felt bad for speaking my mind or being intelligent and forthright. On the odd occasion i did feel slightly overwhelmed by your intellect, your frankness, your passion for the things you believed in, but never intimidated. You were, and are, entirely different from any man i have ever met. And i think i was in love with all that - the idea of what you were and not necessarily WHO you were. Or who you could be. I see now what you meant when you said you werent who i thought you were, although i'm still not so sure yours was an entirely fair assessment. That, however, is another conversation in and of itself. This one is intended for one purpose only - to say sorry. My sincerest apologies. I miss you.
Conversation #3: You really, really hurt me. And i pretended like you didnt. I didnt have to pretend, but i did, because it was easier to turn my back and make like it was all in the wind. Gone and forgotten, out of sight, out of mind. But i loved you, whole-heartedly, a deep unconditional love that small children have, unquestioningly. Apparently, you forgot that, you forgot me, and suddenly I had a whole tonne of questions and very few answers. The answers i did get were unreliable and unsatisfactory at best. So i turned the other cheek and took another path, one that was missing a great big chunk, or rather small chunks in significant places, little potholes on the road of adolescence. I would have liked you there for my birthdays; my grand finals; my graduations. For Christmases and Easters and random family barbecues. But you hurt me, hurt a few of us, but me most of all, even though i wouldnt admit to it, and you were mentally uninvited to these milestones. I'm here to tell you that you missed out. I'm a good person, i developed that way, and you missed it. You might be able to see it now, now that i've opened that window of opportunity a smidge, but you missed it in the process. At one time, you were almost my whole world, and now you have so much history to learn, evolutionary steps to make. But no matter how far we've come, how far yet to go, things will never be the same.
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