If i could turn back time...

...if i could find a way... ok, totally having a Cher moment there, but you should stop picturing me in a see through leotard and leather jacket and read on. Yesterdays post regarding being precognitive, about seeing into the future, garnered a comment from my good buddy Sonny, offering the services of his time machine. Presumably, he was offering its uses so that i could travel into the future and check out for sure whether i'm precognitive or not but, to be honest, i'm not so sure i'd want to do that. AS much as i dig the idea of being a pyschic; seer; oracle; precog; whatever you choose to call those who see into the future, i kind of like the element of suprise, of not knowing whats around the corner. However, i would consider using a time machine to go into the PAST. Funnily enough, i was lying in bed last night, only just having written that post and the topic of discussion on the radio was " If you could turn back time, what would you do differently ? " and then i wake up this morning and Sonny is giving me permission to ride his time machine which all got me to thinking - if i could turn back time, what would i do differently ?

I'm not one of these people who says " I wouldnt change anything. I have no regrets - everything i've ever done, i've done for a reason ". Fair enough, but in retrospect do you still agree with all those decisions ? I think anyone who says that have zero regrets is either seriously bullshitting or seriously deluded. So i've been thinking on the subject all day, and heres what i came up with - a small list of " Things I Would Change If I Could Turn Back Time " :

1. I would never have opted for the " Lois Lane " haircut in Year 8. I really loved " The New Adventures of Lois and Clark " ( or whatever it was called ... ) and went to my hairdressers with a picture of Teri Hatchers short hairstyle. In a word it looked - shocking. Absolutely freaking terrible. I slunk to school the next day hoping nobody would notice but, inevitably, i copped the name " Lois " for at least two weeks after. My hair has never been longer than jaw length since.

2. I would never have taken my " 100% Hits 1994 " tape into school and lost it. That tape was the last thing my uncle gave me before he died - or rather, before he killed himself - and i really regret not having it. Sure, the songs would be cheesy and old by now, but its one of the things that really sticks in my mind about him - even though he was almost 10 years older than me, we both loved music. Not the same kind - i mean what 10 year old girl likes Megadeth ? - but still...

3. I would take back the one time i said " I love you ", thinking i really meant it but, in retrospect, i dont think i did; and i'd take back the handful of times i said " I hate you! " thinking i really meant it but, in retrospect, i know i didnt.

4. I would go back and tell my 14 year old self " Nobody is thinking that about you. You are awesome, even if you cant see it. STop hurting yourself now cause its only going to get worse later ". And my 14 year old self would listen to my 23 year old self, no questions asked.

5. I would not have kneed my brother in the balls during a play-wrestle. Admittedly it was accidental, and it didnt cause any lasting damage - hey, he was an almost 2 year old daughter! - but man was he in a lot of pain. And i didnt like being the cause of that pain, as accidental as it was. So i'd take that back - sorry bro!

6. I wouldnt have been too embarrassed to sing in front of a crowd. I was supposed to sing solo at a school assembly in Year 5 - i chickened out; I was supposed to sing a duet of " All I Want For Christmas Is You " by Mariah Carey in Year 6 - i chickened out; my Year 11 drama class was supposed to do a musical version of a Venetian comedy - we all chickened out. The very few times i have ever sung in front of other people, on my own, i really enjoyed it - alas, every other time i was too embarrassed, scared of what people would think.

7. I would have loved my younger brother more, although as a 5 year old you dont really think like that. I was to young to know at the time, but now as an adult i regret that he cant come to the pub with me. I think he and i would have been more alike than my other brother and sister are. Strangely enough, i'm not sure that i would change the fact that he died - maybe thats messing with fate too much.

8. I would have admitted to myself that i had a problem, and sought help for my depression earlier. I wasted so many years worrying about what people thought of me, hating myself, wanting to die; i missed intregal teenage experiences because i was too consumed with living inside my own thoughts.

9. I would have told my Year 12 English teacher off for being such an asshole. Sure, i walked out of his class two months before graduation and never went back, but in retrospect i think the guy needed to be told how we all felt about him. He was very condescending and self-important - sometimes those kinds of people just need to be brought down a peg.

... and thats it. I was aiming for a list of 10, but i couldnt come up with anything that wasnt entirely trivial. Sure, ok, fine #1 and #5 were kind of trivial, but they were big at the time. And stuff thats big at the time but in retrospect is kind of small is actually still important, right ? Sometimes its the stupid little stuff that turns out to have the biggest impact, on our lives, so i guess in some instances it IS worth sweating the small stuff...

Its on again

Whats on again ? The great " Amy Makeover " mission. See, at some point during this past year i had grand plans for getting back into my fitness routine, and being one of those girls that has her hair done every month and lord knows what else, and they kinda fell by the wayside a bit. Dont get me wrong - i havent supremely porked up or ignored my hair until it resembles a bunch of non-intended dreadlocks, just that i feel like i need to do some thing along those lines to fill in some odd void i have happening right now. Like taking daily walks and doing half an hour of yoga is going to make me a whole person. Does that sound vaguely ridiculous ?

I know Sheena is saying yes ( watch out woman, i can read your mind ) but to tell you the truth, i think it could go a long way in filling that space. When i was working in the States i went to the gym for an hour a day, at least five days a week. Sitting on a stationary bike, or doing God knows how many tricep dips, or bending my way into Pigeon pose somehow centred me - it was total " me " time and gave me a greater appreciation for what my body could do. Hell, not even just my body - it was my willpower and strength of character that kept me pushing up that imaginary hill , or doing one more set when it felt like my arms were going to detach from their sockets. And there just isnt anything in my life right now thats making me feel that way. Sure, i'm three successful exams way from gaining a technical qualification, but successfully completing an academic course doesnt make me feel the same. I mean, i did that successfully for 18 years of primary and high school education. Sure, i'm proud, but academia is something that always came easy to me. I dont want something thats necessarily going to come easily for me - i want something that i'm going to have to push and strive and fight for, which all sounds rather melodramatic now that i think about it.

Maybe whats missing in my life is drama and adventure and tomfoolery. Tomfoolery - thats such a stupid word. But i digress. Maybe whats missing is some reckless abandon that the Zodiac says i should possess and is just waiting to burst forth. Maybe i need to step it up another notch. Readers of my previous blog will know that my social persona, for lack of a better description, has gone ahead in leaps and bounds of the course of the past 10 months: i've gone from being the girl who went out every weekend but didnt really indulge, just hung with the same one or two people and kind of wanted more, but was just way too shy to try for it, to being the girl who lets people draw smiley faces on her back in permanent marker and lets drunk rugby players lick her face ( hey, as long as he bought me another wine ) and chats to random 18 year olds because their friends told me that they think i'm hot ( damn straight! ). The turn around in my self-confidence has been enormous. So what i'm saying is maybe i need to step it up a notch and be more impromptu - i wana be the one who rings their friends on a Friday night and says " What you doing tomorrow ? We can be in a pub in another state by dinner! " , or who calls everyone and anyone around for a bbq that lasts well into the next day.

Dont ask me how all that relates to wanting to get back into yoga, i only know that the physical and the fun are somehow forever inextricably linked in my mind.....