today, January 18th, 2011, is the day. eight years ago, my mother died of lung cancer. I was clutching her hand as she took her last breath on this Earth and that moment will forever be engraved in my mind. it was the most traumatic day of my life. I will never, ever forget the feeling of instant and extreme loneliness that I felt that day eight years ago.
I've had a hard time with being mother-less this year. I think it's because we've decided to try for children a little earlier than we thought we would. it makes me nervous. it makes me scared. I always imagined being pregnant with my mom by my side, giving me the advice and tips she learned while she was pregnant with me. I always imagined she'd be in the delivery room with me welcoming her grandchild into the world. she'd be there to babysit when I needed a date night, and she'd spoil my children like no other.
it honestly makes me scared to have children. how will I explain her to them? how could I possibly convey to them what a wonderful person she was? they'll never understand how amazing she was, and that makes me sad.
eh, I'm feeling very "woe is me" today and I shouldn't. I am incredibly lucky to have awesome folks in my life, and they keep me about as sane as I can possibly be, so that counts for something.
