30 Days of Music - Days 5 + 6

So...because yesterday was Polly Dolly day and by the time i finished putting together my set i was completely blogged out... i didnt do yesterdays " 30 Days of Music " prompt. So excuse me while i mash two days together and catch up a little, ok?
Day 5 - What song do you listen to when your sad?

The first song that came to mind for this one was Johnny Cash's version of " Hurt " ( originally by Nine Inch Nails ). And if i'm not sad enough before i even start to listent to this son, i end up in tears anyway because the combining of the pounding piano and the emotion in Johnnys voice just bring me undone. A brilliant cover by an absolutely brilliant and legendary artist....

Day 6 - What song do you listen to when your angry?

When i'm angry ( or upset/angry...whatever ) i like to either lock myself away in my room or go out for a drive and pump something loud, rockin' and vaguely metal-ish - which, since high school, has quite often been something by Linkin Park. " Hybrid Theory " was one of my favourite albums in Year 12 and i've enjoyed their stuff ever since ( even though some of the new stuff is a bit more tame than the older songs ). So i could have picked maybe 90% of the Linkin Park back catalogue to fit this category but i decided to go with " No More Sorrow " off their " Minutes To Midnight " album. Please enjoy.

Wasted Weekend

I have a confession to make, ahead of next weeks Operation Slimdown update - i had a BAD weekend. As in everything was bad... i got upset, i lazed around the house like a sad sack, i didnt eat much but what i did eat was junk, and rather than water i crammed myself full of Pepsi Max. The only vegetables i ate on Sunday were mushrooms ( on a pizza ) and potato ( wedges, with a steak sandwich ). By Sunday evening i was a bit disgusted in myself - although my mood had cheered up somewhat, thanks to a series of very farty-sounding raspberries blown on my arm by Flynn ( farty sounds are funny! ). I'm not trying to make excuses by pre-empting my expected low weight loss for the fortnight with this post - i think i'm just trying to let myself know its ok to slip up. Especially when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and sob.

What was wrong with me, your wondering? In retrospect, i probably could have manned-up a bit and not gotten so terribly upset but..... my mum let slip to my sister that she will be bridesmaid at my wedding. Why is that so bad? Because I HADNT ASKED HER YET. I soooo wanted the whole asking thing to be a special moment between my sister and i - i had planned to invite her around for dinner and ask, and let her have her " wow - really? " moment.... but now i cant, because my mother quite oftens suffers from Mouth Before Brain Syndrome. That is, she doesnt think before she speaks. So, without thinking, my mother blurts out to my sister " Oh, Amy made the hair appointment for us the morning of the wedding ", which got a death stare from me and a " Why would i be getting my hair done with her ? " from my sister. Now, my sister may be blonde but she's not entirely stupid, so she knows that the only people who get their hair done with the bride are the brides mother.... and the bridesmaids. Light bulb comes on for my sister, my mothers brain engages at the same moment and she realises what she's done, and my death stare turns to evil eye with angry pout. Not.Happy. Mum.

Suffice to say i eventually burst into tears and had to be comforted by my dad, who assured me that although my mother has frequent brain farts like that, she never actually means to ruin or offend. So not the point though - my special moment is gone, my sisters is gone, and now i cant unask her, can i? ( Not that i wanted to, but there may be complications with the best man which would have made it easier to have no attendants at all. Too late now... ). So i spent the entirety of the rest of the weekend in a funk, alternately pouting and weeping, and paying no attention to what i was putting in my mouth. Boo hoo me....

Birthday Blues

Firstly – yes, i know i haven’t posted for a week. Its uncharacteristic. Truth be told, i have no excuse except the fact that i couldn’t really be bothered. I have been reading, and commenting, on other peoples blogs, i just haven’t been enthused enough to write anything on mine. But i digress....


For those of you have been paying attention the past few weeks, this past Saturday was my 27th birthday. I had big plans to go to the zoo with Mick and Flynn but the stinking hot weather put an end to that ( too hot for us, and too hot for the animals to even bother coming out of their shade or shelters ). No matter – i thought my boys could take me to lunch, and then i could have birthday cake with my family. All good.

But it wasn’t – it wasn’t all good at all. My mind, and my heart, wouldn’t let it be. I wanted so much to really enjoy my birthday, to enjoy the time with my family, but i just couldn’t. Somewhere in the back of my mind, in the depths of my heart....there she was. There it was – the shadow of my lost friendship, hanging like a black cloud over everything. Even though i was surrounded by family, i felt like something ( or someone ) was missing. The first birthday with no “ happy birthday! “ text, no card, no shared cake. And even though i had loving family around me i felt strangely, mind-numbingly, alone.

I had lunch with Mick ( Flynns teeth were playing up and i didn’t fancy having a squirmy, sooky toddler with me at the restaurant), then we had birthday cake at home, an d then i went for dinner at my parents ( which i didn’t eat, because i didn’t feel hungry ). The first chance i got i snuck off and sobbed my heart out, the kind of sobbing that makes you dry heave and makes your head ache. My dad came and found me and i poured my heart out to him – he’s always really good with advice and gave me a few words of wisdom, and confirmed that i am NOT, in fact, a horrible person. So i swallowed my tears and went down to the loungeroom to watch “ Toy Story 3 “.

And thats my birthday – drowned in a sea of lonliness and bitterness and hurt, and seemingly controlled by someone who wasn’t even there. Bring on my 28th!

Find Your Peace

Image from here

I made my way out of the darkness once, fighting through thunder and lightning til i could ride the winds of change all the way to the safety of shore....

Some people arent as lucky. I recieved news yesterday that a school friend has taken his own life, after a struggle with depression stemming from a relationship break up. He's left behind two small children and, presumably, a broken hearted family. This boy(man ) was always so confident at school and, truth be told, i had a little crush on him. We werent great mates and we didnt share any classes, but he was the cute-but-naughty boy that all the girls thought was a bit of a hottie.Even though we were never close friends, it really hits home how lucky i am that i found the strength and courage to fight through my depression and break free of it.

I wish he could have done the same. He is the third classmate of mine to commit suicide. Three young men, all dead at their own hand, in 10 years. As far as i'm concerned, thats three too many over the course of a lifetime, let alone three missing before we've even had a chance to have a high school reunion. And what for? What struggles were they fighting against? What support was lacking? Its too late now to answer these questions but i cant help but wonder.... if they had the support i had, the family to rally around, to understand the mental health issues or emotional battles, would they still be here?

If i am able, i will attend his funeral next week. Like i said, we werent close friends and i wouldnt know his family if i tripped over them, but i feel its the right way to pay tribute to the fun, cheeky, bright spirit i remember from school and put to rest the broken spirit that has hopefully, in death, found some peace....



Operation Slimdown, Mach 2 - Week 5

This week sucks. I hate this weeks guts. If it were a person, i'd want to talk trash about it and maybe kick it in the throat. How bout we dispense with the small talk and just look at the stats?
Weight - 77.2 kgs. Up 600g ( so there goes the 500g i lost last week )
Bust - 100.5cm. Up a whopping 3.5cm. This may because i'm pre-menstrual ( TMI? ) and could be helped along by a better bra than other weeks...
Waist - 85.5cm. Up 3cm.
Hips - 104.5cm. Up 1.5cm.
Butt - 109cm. No change ( suprised? )
Thigh - 67cm. Up 0.5cm

How is that even possible? How can i only go up 600g - which could be water retention seeing as i drank around 1.2l of water before my weigh in - but have my measurements go up so dramatically? I'm not going to lie - its really, REALLY, freaking disheartening. I didnt do as much exercise as i would like last week because of the crappy weather ( cant take a baby for a walk in the rain ) and Sunday was a big bbq lunch for my sisters birthday ( and i've got another one this Sunday for my brothers birthday ). I'm just so disappointed.... in the past i've found it easier than this to lose weight. It never came off super quickly but it came off consistently. This non-consistent crap? This sucks.

My only consolation is i think my Zumba dvds are waiting for me at the post office, so i can definately get some more exercise in this week, regardless of the stupid weather, and i'm already drinking more water during the day at work. For now ? I'm going to go cry into a bowl of ice-cream and climb back up on the stupid, rickety, diet bandwagon tomorrow...

Hi Ho, Hi Ho....

... its off to work i go! Oh yes, tomorrow will be my first day back at work after 11 months of maternity leave. I am about 10% looking forward to it and 90% not wanting it to happen.
I dont want to leave my Flynny.
I dont want to miss his first steps ( seriously, i reckon he's a month away from walking.. )
I dont want him to get upset because i'm not there with him.
I dont want to go back to work and have to re-learn all the crap i've forgotten since i left ( i think i'm going to have to read the manual that I wrote for my co-workers last year! )
I dont want to have to deal with the state manager that i just cannot stand.
I dont want to deal with rude and obnoxious customers when i could be spending quality time with my son.

But, most of all, i dont want to be broke....and thats why i'm going back to work. 3 days, 9am-5am, is the minimum amount of work i can do to get paid enough to cover our bills and, combined with Micks wages, leave us enough to live comfortably. Some weeks, maybe, not even comfortably - just to make ends meet. So even though i'm not looking forward to it, even though i'll miss my little bubba and i might miss one of his huge milestones ( and i'll be incredibly upset and guilty if that does happen ... ) i recognise that i HAVE to go back to work, for the good of my family. Its that whole unselfish, sacrificing mother thing - despite what i really would like to do, i know that sucking it up and just getting in there and doing is going to be what benefits us most.
Lets just hope i can last more than a week before i get the shits with someone....

The Seven Stages

I dont know if its common knowledge or not, but apparently there are 7 stages of grieving for a human being.
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and frusturation
4. Depression and reflection
5. The " upward " turn
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance

Strangely, after the "break up " with my best friend, i find myself going through these stages. No-one has died, yet i still feel grief for a relationship lost. Is that weird? And do you know where i think i'm up to?
3. Anger and Frusturation - Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else . This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. Yes, after all these years of being meek and mild, of being the kind of person who dislikes confrontation, who can find the good in most people, i've finally arrived at "angry ". I'm not exactly wanting to " lay unwarranted blame " because as far as i'm concerned it takes two to tango ( so they say ). I am at the stage where i have confronted the accusations thrown at me and come to accept that even if i dont understand where they have come from, i do understand that they are real to her, and i have accepted responsibility for that. However, i have also looked back on the past few years of relationship and have had the clarity to see all those little things i missed, those signs that i was on the outer....and i feel stupid. I feel like i've been lead on and played for a fool, and that makes me both sad and angry. Sad that i missed them all and i could have saved myself this heartache, if only i werent so trusting; and angry that i could have been treated that way by someone who once, supposedly, loved me.And angry, too, that she can't or wont "own " how she's made me feel.
And yes, its time for the release of bottled up emotion. But i wont do that here, and i wont do it to her face ( partly because i dont want to cause any more trouble, and partly because i have no line of communication with her anymore ). No, i do it in the shower, like all good women. In the shower i'm free to talk under the sound of the water, to whisper all those words i'd like to say, to let out the feelings that have been dragging me down the last few weeks, and to cry and cry and cry, and let the water wash away any evidence of my tears.
In the shower i can be naked, physically and emotionally, and i can let.It.Out. I just wonder how much longer til i reach the seventh stage and i can let it all go....